6 months without our son

Six months have passed since our lives were torn apart. Our boy we loved so dearly, was taken from us in an instant. We didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

I remember that night so vividly.

It seems just like yesterday, yet in so many ways it feels as though he’s been gone forever. A lifetime, really. 

The desolation we have felt is beyond any I could ever describe or have imagined.

While I have experienced much in my forty something years, from serving in a foreign war at 19, losing my mother when she was just 55, to leaving our home and moving several states away with five young boys to a place I knew not a single soul. Those trials did not prepare me for the unexpected loss of a child I spent eighteen years loving and raising.

His wake, the funeral, even months after are a blur to me. Yet there are a few things that stand out.

One is the story from a mother who had a young teenage boy with her at the wake. She told us that awhile back her son was contemplating suicide. Around the same time, E had an encounter with this boy, and spoke kind words to encourage him. Hearing this from an upperclassman he looked up to, made an impact on this woman’s son. She told us how it is Ethan she credits for saving his life. Giving others encouragement and kindness was something we hear time and time again about our son.

Living without E has been an insurmountable burden we have no choice to bear.

There will never be a day that goes by…no, not a moment we aren’t thinking of him, feeling his absence and missing him.

We’ve had to make many adjustments in our lives. He was a part of every single detail in this family. We reluctantly move forward, yet always looking back. Never truly moving on.

And six months later, here we are forging an unknown and uncharted path full of a grief we never expected to know.

I'm really not sure how we will fill the void left in our hearts without him here physically. We probably never will. We're still hurting.. more than ever, but are grateful for the family, friends and community that continue to support us.

What I am sure of is that we could not cope without leaning on the Lord’s strength and guidance through every step.

I must remind myself daily that we are not created for this world.

And the best way I can honor our E is to advance the kingdom of which he is now a part of.

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."

Psalm 119:50

Posted on Facebook: 7/22/16

https://www.facebook.com/stephaniespauley/posts/10206492648943999

2016 Softball Champions honor E

The girls immediately after winning their game.

It has been awhile since I've watched a softball game. Actually, to be honest, probably not since high school.

There are few reasons why, I suppose. I’ve never been a real sports fan, in school I lacked that coordination to participate. But mostly, it was that I just never took the time.

So it drew my attention when I was told the senior girls requested Ethan's initials be put on the sleeve of their uniform. I felt that with such a kind gesture, I really should take the time to attend one of their games.

The first one I watched was their last played on home field. I have to admit I was quite surprised.
It certainly wasn't the same game I remember watching in high school.

This...was so much more.

I watched a dynamically orchestrated symphony of team members working in sync to create a fast paced, intense competition. These girls played together as smoothly as a well oiled machine.
I was in awe of the impressive talent and determination displayed on that field by these young ladies.
So it came as no surprise to me when they made it to the state championship.

I thought of how proud Ethan would have been to see them make it there. He cared so much about his schoolmates succeeding at whatever their hand found to do.
And I know he would have been right there for their championship game, cheering his friends on in their success, their sportsmanship.

So on Saturday, Jim, the boys and I traveled to Akron to watch these girls play in the state championship game.
The momentum going into that game was SOMETHING.

And in the end, The Wheelersburg Lady Pirate Softball Team won the state championship for the first time since 1983.

Afterwards, we watched as this team ran onto the field shouting “EP7” with such emotion while they huddled together. It was truly humbling to see the same passion and love of the game that our E had when he played soccer.

Their winning season was not only because of their talent, hard work and determination, but because of their heart and soul.

And that not only makes them winners on the field...
It will carry them through life’s ups and downs to be... winners in life.

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might”. Ecclesiastes 9:10

Plans For E's Graduation

 

 

As the days lead up to graduation, my thoughts wander to what E would be doing, should he still be here with us.

I imagine things such as getting ready for graduation ceremony, sleeping in, going to graduation parties with his friends, and leaving soon on his senior trip. There were many plans.

Plans made for a day we shall never see.

Taking for granted he would always be here....

And though I try not to focus on how this was taken from him, at times it is almost impossible.

I cannot do it on my own, so I must rely on the scriptures and promises thereof from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

That is where my hope and strength comes from.

As heart wrenching as it will be not to see him walk with his Wheelersburg High School Class of 2016, I am attending the graduation later this evening. We will present the scholarship established in E’s name.

Though I’m not sure I will have the strength, I won’t be doing it alone. The support of family, friends, community, and my faith in Christ will guide me through.

“And now, brothers and sisters, I want you to know what will happen to the Christians who have died so you will not be full of sorrow like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus comes, God will bring back with Jesus all the Christians who have died. “ I Thessalonians 4:13-14 NLT

 

Posted on Facebook 5/27/16

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10206133224798620&set=a.1400614824401.2057436.1503211485&type=3&theater